Political diets

 

As January gets fully underway, Americans should prepare together for what’s approaching this year — first by breathing in and out properly, then by eating appropriately.

We must maintain our health. If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything, as the six-fingered man once said. We’re facing the challenges of a country and a citizenry divided to a degree unprecedented since the Civil War, which ended 157 years ago come April.

Although 12 to 20 times a minute is the traditional average rate of respiration for healthy adults at relative rest, it may not capture the demands put upon Americans through the next 11 months.

And while caloric requirements for adult women range from 1,600 to 2,200 per day and for men from 2,000 to 3,200 calories in a day, according to nutritionists, those may not be enough for Americans trying to get through 2022, either.

So this week let me recommend new standards of breathing and eating to sustain citizens who qualify as A: Traditional Republicans, the tried and true conservatives of old; B: Extremist Republicans, people compelled to throw Trumper-tantrums in public; C: Traditional Democrats, the tried and true moderate progressives; and D: Extremist Democrats, the socialists who eschew war or meat but embrace gun control, universal health care, child care, legal dope, equal treatment of women, equal treatment of people of color, and a government that pays for everything, especially the unemployed.

¦ First, Traditional Republicans. TRs this year should continue with their traditional golf-course and country-club respiration, taking in oxygen at about 30 breaths per minute to sustain them in riding golf carts from one hole to the next and back to the clubhouse. Their diets should always include gin and tonics, old fashioned cocktails with bourbon or rye, and dry martinis before dinner, with prime rib or beef Wellington served as a main course, accompanied by red wine for males. Females — who may rely on fish and salad diet plans, along with spa treatments — should stick to sweeter white wines during the meal that could even include some Prosecco, but no more than a couple bottles a day unless their real estate investments are doing exceptionally well and celebration is required.

¦ Extremist Republicans. ERs should maintain respiration rates of at least 45 per minute since it takes a lot of oxygen to stay angry. That must be punctuated by a minimum of two deep breaths per minute to maintain the oxygen reserves demanded by yelling profanities at liberals.

Especially this year when crucial mid-term elections will take place, ERs must not diverge from a diet of fried bacon, fried eggs, fried pancakes, grits and white toast in the morning, followed by burgers and fries, steak and potatoes or barbecued ribs and beans the rest of the day, no matter what any doctor says, especially quacks who not only question meals that make America great, but tell people to get vaccinated.

All of it, with the exception of breakfast, should be washed down with 6- or 12-packs of American beers such as Busch, Budweiser, Coors or Pabst Blue Ribbon.

¦ Traditional Democrats. TDs must attempt this year to breathe in a party– wide synchronicity of sympathy with President Joe Biden, who will turn 80 in November. That will help create party wide solidarity, something Democrats often lack. Solidarity creates peace of mind, which in turn promulgates health. Old people tend to breathe more quickly than younger people — in fact they often pant, especially if they have to walk up or down the steps of airplanes — so TDs must plan to spend the rest of the year panting. That will give them something in common with Extremist Republicans, since a respiratory rate of 45 qualifies as panting.

As for diet, TDs should stick with chicken or fish and vegetables, some fruit, moderate desserts, a glass of wine or two from a California winery — only white — and at least two communal meals every week at a shelter or soup kitchen of their choice, to stay in touch with “the people.” There they will likely be required to consume — with smiles on their faces — meatloaf and mashed potatoes with canned green beans, or spaghetti with salads of iceberg lettuce followed by large, flat, stale cookies for dessert, washed down with milk, sweet tea or water and weak coffee. If it makes them feel better, they can help serve, too.

¦ Extremist Democrats. Look, if you’re going to be an extremist anything, you should expect to suffer a little. Or a lot. EDs this year have no choice but to reduce their breathing to about 10 per minute while practicing yoga and meditating every day, with allowances for sudden increases in the respiratory rate to about 60 a minute if they’re rioting or protesting on behalf of Black Lives Matter. Diets should be strictly vegetarian or vegan — tofu should be on the menu at least a couple times per week — and recreational marijuana should be a regular addition to any meal but breakfast.

It’s important to note this is a crucial mid-term election year likely to rewire the country for decades to come, especially if a collection of misfits takes control of the House and Senate. They’ll seek not just to govern but to alter the meaning of governance, changing our laws and filling our federal courts with judges who support those changes.

That’s why strict adherence to these carefully designed regimens of breathing and eating is so important.

This may look like little more than a Black Cat firecracker or even a cherry bomb election year, but it’s not. This election year is a stick of dynamite.

Good luck, good breathing, and good eating. ¦