Fort Myers Florida Weekly

Gifts for lefties and righties



“No one,” said Anne Frank, “has ever become poor by giving.”

On the surface that wisdom from a fated child rings like a clarion bell, a single note echoing down the ages through the Judeo-Christian tradition, among others. Tibetan Buddhism comes to mind.

But studied more closely — well, her words still ring like a clarion bell.

So in the spirit of the great rabbis, of Jesus, of the Dalai Lama and Anne Frank and any other icon of generous humanity, let me offer some gift suggestions for the coming holiday seasons, which arrive as follows:

Hanukkah, Dec. 2 to Dec. 10.

Christmas (the 12-day version), Dec. 25 to Jan. 6.

Losar (the Tibetan New Year), Feb. 5 and 6, 2019.

First, however, we have to acknowledge that this year the challenges in giving are much greater than in other years. What if your family and friends, your churches and synagogues, your communities, are divided just like Florida and the nation right down the middle of a temperamental and political highway? What if your instinct for giving this year has been cauterized by recent events — events which lead you to believe roughly half the people you know are mule-headed, myopic miscreants?

No worries. Giving won’t hurt you, after all, and you can shape the shoe to fit the foot that wears it, so to speak.

So, what if you’re a righty faced with GIVING TO A LEFTY THIS YEAR?

Consider Fenrir Shoes for men by Fenrir Skofabrikk, handmade in Drammen, Norway, the nation that gave us Vikings first, followed by socialism, high wages, low unemployment, extended vacations, complete medical coverage, low crime rates, well-educated citizens, beautiful women, handsome men and happy people. Tell your favorite lefty to walk a mile in those shoes, why don’t you? And if she’s a lefty feminist, she may love Fenrir shoes even more than a lefty man. Only $247.79 for a stylish pair (sold at other prices, too). You simply send Fenrir a size and style and before long your lefty gets his liberal holy rollers. See how they’re made here: watch?v=0JnMDvFnW_ 0

Everybody knows lefties love flowers. They’re always waving them around, sticking them in gun barrels and talking about “love” and what-not. If your lovely lefty isn’t gonna get real, why should you? How about the rose gold rose arrangement of 16 artificial flowers in a satiny black box from Venus et Fleur for a mere $299? She’ll love them, and you can remind her that no real flowers were injured or killed — or even bullied — in the making of these babies. They’re easy to order, too, and in greater or lesser quantity, number, design, or price at

But what if you’re a lefty faced with GIVING TO A RIGHTY THIS YEAR?

Right off the bat, you’re fair in making a fairly significant assumption: Most righties think eventually they’ll find themselves fighting for survival in the wilderness after the government tries to take away their guns. And they have guns. Problem is, they only think they have skills, because they’ve never really been in the wilderness without their guns and beer and ATVs and what-all.

So give your righty, man or woman, a survival skills course at the Thomas Coyne Survival Schools program in California — the three-day or the seven-day course, for example. The Marine Corps Mountain Warfare School has used Mr. Coyne and his courses, which might make your righty happy to know.

Your righty will learn how to build fires with a bow and drill, make a weatherproof shelter, trap small animals and cook with no pots, pans or utensils, make string or rope from plants, find water and make it potable, treat hypothermia and solve other first-aid challenges. Prices for various courses, including Alaska survival courses, range from about $350 to $1,500. Gift certificates and course descriptions are available at

But for the righty in your circle who prefers to just stay home and talk, mostly in platitudes and pronouncements, how about a broad selection of bumper stickers good for any vehicle or any part of a vehicle? I recommend going straight to or one of several other sites and picking a selection of, say, 15 or 20.

At about $4.50 per sticker, they won’t break your bank but no doubt they’ll delight your favorite righties with pithy declarations that will soon appear all over their vehicles. Like these: “Right Wing Extremist”; “Dads Against Daughters Dating Democrats”; “SCREW the Liberal Media”; “Global Warming is a hoax”; “My other auto is a 9mm”; “Obama sucks, and if you voted for him, so do you”; “Welcome to America, now speak English”; or “PROUD REPUBLICAN (because everyone can’t be on welfare).”

Don’t you feel better now? You can bridge this divide. You can cross the Grand Canyon. You can reach out, through giving in the holiday season — even to a flower-waving, gun-controlling, give-us-your-pooring, climate-changing, Hillary-loving lefty, on the one hand.

Or to a chest-thumping, gun-toting, racist-acting, climate-change-denying, fossil-fuel champion of tax cuts for the rich, border walls and free machine guns for every man, woman and child in America, on the other hand.

But there is one other option: You just say the hell with it all — the sensitive, the thoughtful. Instead, you order two bottles of William Larue Weller Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey at 125.7 proof, from, say, the Saratoga Wine Exchange (, for $999 each. You give your beloved knucklehead a bottle, you keep a bottle for yourself. You agree to meet up for about 10 minutes of peace and harmony, drink deeply and say little, before going your own ways.

“Happy Hanukkah!, you bonehead!”

“Merry Christmas!, you knucklehead.”

“Happy New Year!, you warthog!”

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