2012-02-22 / Sandy Days, Salty Nights

Love advice from the Goldman twitter feed

Never take relationship advice from a banker. Those big-money negotiators and Wall Street deal brokers — men in thousand-dollar suits with summer houses on the shore who toy with the economy the way children handle other people’s things (carelessly) — the 1 percent that has the rest of us up in arms, what advice could they possibly have on romance?

Recently the Internet has given us the Goldman Sachs gossip feed on Twitter where anonymous users post exchanges overheard in the company’s elevators. The 140-character quips offer an intensely private, intensely personal look into the minds of America’s ruling class. It’s what bankers say when they think no one is listening.

From earlier in the month:

#1: I wish I invested in poverty. It’s up 60 percent since 2001. #2: We did. And:

#1: It’s rough. A good friend of mine from associate training just got laid off. #2: I guess he’s not your friend anymore. Of course, finance is a male-dominated field, so a lot of the talk comes off sounding like frat house chatter:

#1: Lately, I don’t even call it a hangover anymore. It’s just the morning.” And their approach to romance isn’t much better:

#1: Girls with huge boobs will never know if they’re really interesting. Or:

#1: Skinny jeans and a fur coat. Looks sexy as hell, but reeks of high- maintenance. #2: High- maintenance is sexy. How do these overpaid, under-cultured Lotharios handle a woman once they’ve snared her?

#1: Chivalry is letting the chick still in your bed sleep in, then giving the doorman $100 to go kick her out in an hour.” The most frustrating part about these guys is that they’re kind of funny — actually, a lot funny — and I have to wonder if this is what circulates through the male brain when we eliminate civilizing forces. Is this how all men would think if we stripped away compassion, sensitivity and respect? Perhaps this is pure, unvarnished manhood.

#1: OK . . . I’d never date a chick who . . .

#2: Cites the Huffington Post. #3: Watches “Grey’s Anatomy.” #4: Works in finance. [High fives all around] But even the biggest brutes can offer surprising bits of wisdom about life — and love.

#1: The PWM chicks know how to dress. #2 (nods): Pretty good wife material. Hot but not slutty- looking. Smart but not too smart.” So here it is, translated into financier speak: What a lot of men are really thinking when it comes to finding a wife. It’s the same advice I’ve read in relationship books; the same suggestions the Millionaire Matchmaker gives every week.

Men want women who dress well, who take care of themselves, who are attractive and sensual but not sleazy. A man wants a woman who is bright, who can talk about books and world events, but who won’t beat him at Words with Friends. Smart but not too smart.

It’s not terrible advice if we can overlook the source, and sometimes the best wisdom comes from the most unexpected places. After all, bankers are people, too.

#1: We’re like Ron Jeremy. We work hard, people are disgusted by us, but most guys are jealous of what we’ve got.” ¦

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