A new approach to the marriage market

I recently came across an article that lumped marriage and the job search into the same category. Prospective relationship cohorts seek to “hire” suitable marriage partners, the article said, and they do this by evaluating their own assets and the assets of potential mates. The probability of marriage depends on the market availability of suitable spouses, much like employers looking to recruit employees.

This concept weighed on my mind as I attended an interview skills workshop, one of those painful affairs where a lecturer pulls people from the audience to participate in mock interviews. The speaker fired an arsenal of tricky questions at the quivering volunteer: What is your biggest weakness? What is your proudest accomplishment? How much do you expect to make in this position? At the end of the volunteer’s answers, the presenter turned to the audience with arms raised in a munificent gesture and a pitying smile on her face.

“What did you think of those answers?” she asked.

We shook our heads. Some people gave a thumbs-down, like Romans at the gladiatorial rink.

“Would those answers get you what you want?” she asked.

The audience answered with a collective “No.”

“What do you want?” she said.

“We want them to make an offer,” we answered.

“What do you want?”

“We want an offer.” “What do you want?”

“An offer,” we shouted.

Another career counselor stood. “Remember these lessons at the career expo next week,” she said. “You’ll have 10 minutes to meet with each employer, then a buzzer will sound, and you’ll move on. It’s like speed dating.”

Meeting prospective employers is like speed dating? The marriage market is like the employment market? We want an offer? Looking for love really is like looking for a job. But then I have to wonder: Why do we work so hard to develop our careers but leave so much of our relationships to chance?

When it comes to our jobs, we’re forever attending seminars, reading business books and tweaking our résumés. When it comes to love, we rely on destiny, a serendipitous encounter with the right person, and fortune’s fickle ways.

In this day and age, this can be a mistake. I know a number of amazing people who remain on the marriage market year after year, as if those smart, good-looking individuals had nothing to offer. I wonder if it’s not so much a case of being unmarriageable as it is of not approaching rela tionships with a career mentality.

At the interview skills seminar, the presenter said it’s important that we develop a list of our attributes. Knowing what we have to offer, she said, will make us more desirable to a potential employer. I think this works well for dating, too. When we’re clear about what we bring to a relationship — back rubs, three-course dinners, witty repartee — we have a better idea of our worth. Knowing our skill set helps us identify compatible partners, and that is the first step on the path to marriage, or at least, the marriage offer. 

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