NEWS OF THE WEIRD

Can’t possibly be true

. In November, a Chicago judge ruled that former firefighter Jeffrey Boyle is entitled to his $50,000 annual pension even though he had pleaded guilty in 2006 to eight counts of arson (and allegedly confessed to 12 more). Boyle is known locally as “Matches” Boyle to distinguish him from his brother, John “Quarters” Boyle, who is now in federal prison for bribery following the theft of millions of dollars in state toll-gate coins. Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. concluded that Matches’ arsons were wholly separate from his firefighting.

. Salvadorean citizen Ernesto Gamboa, who worked for 13 years in the Seattle area as a snitch for federal drug agents and contributed to at least 92 convictions for drug- and weaponssmuggling, was “fired” by Immigration and Customs Enforcement in May after asking the agency for regular employment. Gamboa originally entered the U.S. as a visitor but overstayed and now aspires merely to an “S visa” granted aliens who assist law enforcement. Not only did ICE deny that request but, according to a November Seattle Times report, the agency informed Gamboa that he should prepare to be deported. 

Inexplicable

. “It is the Christian commandment to love your enemies and to do good to them. I did that,” explained Dan Ross, 61, a retiree in Lehigh Acres, Fla., who in November wired a dozen yellow roses to Maj. Nidal Hasan, the accused Fort Hood spree killer. “Whereas the ministers out there in Fort Hood are praying for (Hasan) ... I went one step

further,” Ross told the Naples Daily

News. The card Ross ordered with the flowers read, “In God’s eye, and those who submit, you are a hero!” The Texas florist who received the order notified the FBI.

. While reporting on Britain’s oldest newlyweds in November (husband 94, wife 87), the Daily Telegraph also noted that in 2008, Bertie Wood and her husband, Jessie, of Falmouth had decided to end their 36-year marriage, evidently at a point where they felt they needed a fresh start. Both were 97 years old at the time. Jessie has since died, and Bertie lives in a nursing home. 

Unclear on the concept

. Michael Yavorski, 52, who drew a three-month sentence in October for having twice fondled a 12-year-old girl and given her a beer, complained through his lawyer that the sentence was too long. “The collateral consequences for Mr. Yavorski here are tremendous,” said the lawyer, in that the negative publicity about the case might force Yavorski to close his business in Lower Nazareth Township, Pa., an ice cream parlor.

. In a December letter, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened litigation against Lincoln County, Miss., which recently changed the name of its Lincoln County Multi- Purpose Facility to “Lincoln Center.” The facility, in the town of Brookhaven (pop. 9,800), is used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions. 

People with issues

Kevin Derks, 53, of Kenosha, Wis., swears that he has never touched an underage girl, even though he admitted to an all-consuming fixation on their “innocence” and beauty. Derks’ apartment, according to a detective, appears to be a “shrine” to little girls, with walls covered with posters and photos, including snapshots of celebrity kids and local children, according to a Kenosha News report, and a bed full of stuffed toys and two adolescent-sized mannequins in sexual positions with adult mannequins. Derks was arrested in November and charged with 20 counts of child pornography based on some of his photos and videos. Said Derks, to detectives: “This was my own world. I knew what I was doing. I took a gamble. It’s like going to Vegas, except I lost everything. (N)ow my ass is gonna fry.” 

Alcohol was involved

. In November, the Seattle Police Department, investigating a complaint about a beating, interviewed a 25-yearold man hospitalized after being found screaming in pain impaled on a metal fence. He said he had run away from a barroom fight and momentarily thought he was a “ninja warrior” capable of leaping the fence.

. Sean McDowell, 24, was arrested in Ashland, Ore., after attempting to steal a 4-foot-tall stuffed giraffe from the front of a children’s store. A police officer had witnessed an inebriated McDowell grab the giraffe and make simulated sexual movements, then walk away, and then return 90 minutes later to snatch the animal for good. 

We have rules!

Shawnee Mission Northwest outscored the competition at the Kansas Girls State Gymnastics Championship in November, but finished in third place because of a one-point penalty for a rule violation. The school’s coach had inquired about a balance-beam score outside the five-minute “window” for inquiries. The two schools that were tied for second place were declared cochampions. 