When PDA gets out of hand

There are two types of public displays of affection (PDA, in short). The first — flagrant, in your face, often at bars where booze and strangers draw together — is somehow less reprehensible than the second, which is softer, subtler, and yet stratospherically more annoying.

My friend Jessica once found herself engaged in the first kind of PDA at a club in Paris. While the rest of our group danced on the floor downstairs, Jessica snuck upstairs with one of the handsome Frenchmen who had been dancing at the fringe of our group all night. She came down a few minutes later, flushed and giggling. When we asked what happened, she had this story to tell: Jacques bought her a drink and lead her to one of the club’s couches where the two sipped and chatted and, inevitably, began kissing. Jacques had one arm around Jessica’s shoulders and the other on her knee. Jessica closed her eyes to romanticize the moment (although how that was possible with all the bad Euro pop in that place, I’ll never know). Suddenly, amidst the kissing and knee stroking, Jessica felt a hand on her leg. She did a quick mental calculation. One hand around her shoulders, fine. One hand on her knee, also fine. But a third hand on her leg? She opened her eyes. Jacques smiled.

“That is my brother, Jean-Luc,” he said. “Do you mind?”

This sort of PDA — as tacky as it is — is not nearly as obnoxious as the second kind, the kind Nathan and Lizzie have perfected.

I know these two in a professional setting, which makes all the nuzzling that much more awkward. When Nathan asked over lunch how my latest project was coming, I tried to answer with a straight face while Lizzie stroked his ear. They hold hands through meetings and practice surreptitious leg stroking during workshops. Colleagues report Nathan-Lizzie (read: Nizzie) make-out sessions at after-hours parties, and the conspicuous lovebirds have become the butt of every PDA joke.

It would be easy to dismiss our behavior as only so much jealousy. After all, Nathan and Lizzie look like they have a good thing going. But it’s more than that. Because there is an element to these two — and to a certain type of PDA-phile — that feels smug. You can’t help but think they’re gloating as they kiss and cuddle and make the rest of us feel out of place, seemingly enjoying their togetherness in a sea of loneliness.

The French have an understanding about romantic relationships, that the more discord a couple displays in public, the more content they are at home. I’m not sure if I buy this for the American psyche, but I believe there is a kernel of wisdom in it. When you love

someone and are confident in that love, isn’t your private romantic time enough? Doesn’t it feel gluttonous to extend that affection to the public sphere, to make your friends and colleagues unwilling participants in your escapades? To me, this sort of public display reeks of insecurity. Nathan and Lizzie — and all the other smug public gropers — would be wise to keep it in the bedroom and spare the rest of us the spectacle. 

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