Free business ideas

When news outlets reported last week that unemployment figures in the United States had reached double digits for the first time in 26 years (10.2 percent, or 15.7 million Americans out of work), it became clear that we now have to respond much more imaginatively to the recession.

Double digits in themselves are nothing novel in Lee County. We blew through that barrier more than a year ago, moving so fast we looked like Chuck Yeager out of work (Gen. Yeager was the first man to blow through the sound barrier on Oct. 14, 1947, when he still had work).

The Lee County figure hit 13.9 percent in September, with almost 40,000 people jobless. I anticipate it will set a new record a week or so before Thanksgiving, when October figures are released. Even if it doesn’t, the holidays are likely to prove moribund, not merry, for many.

I don’t care about double digits, however — not unless they’re measured in income and profit. If 14 out of every 100 working men and women are unemployed, then 86 out of every 100 working men and women have jobs and money. Now that’s a double digit we can take advantage of.

How?

First, with an attitude adjustment.

It’s not that good jobs are scarce, it’s simply that we haven’t thought of them yet. And that’s only a failure of imagination.

If you happen to have a good job — if you’re one of the lucky 86 — this is where you come in. You can help some of your soon-to-be formerly unemployed fellow Americans by taking advantage of the services they’re about to offer (see below).

If you’re one of the unlucky 14, on the other hand — or if you just don’t like your current job — I give you the following two business ideas free of charge, complete with model advertising copy to get you started.

(For other like-minded ideas, see Florida

Weekly, page 2, Aug. 6, 2008).

Finally, let me just say this: SAY YES and get to work.

SAY YES INC.:

What if you get down on your knees, pull out the ring, pop the big question, AND SHE SAYS “NO!!???”

That doesn’t have to happen. We offer a unique new service for men or women about to propose, guaranteeing that clients don’t Crash & Burn.

SAY YES INC. will help you celebrate that key moment in your life by getting the answer you want. Our “extras” will stand by you at the big moment to polish your plea, spin your sound, pontificate on your proposal and butter up your baby.

The men and women of SAY YES INC. are handsome or beautiful, articulate, well dressed, charismatic and musically inclined. For a small extra fee they can even sing your object d’art a love song to any tune or tone you desire. Do you prefer some Eddie Vedder acid to a Guiseppe Verdi aria? No problemo, sweet cheeks. After all, we’re here for you.

You’ll have your pick of our lineup: The Big Strong Friend, The Gal Whose Life You Saved, The Classmate Who Saw You Learn Quantum Physics in Six Weeks, The Neighbor You Made A Millionaire by Investing the Change on her Dresser in the Stock Market One Morning After Breakfast, The Woman (or Man) Who Swears You Can Cook, The Woman (or Man) Who Swears You Love Your Mother, and so on.

For each male role, SAY YES INC. offers an equivalent female role.

When the time comes for you to propose marriage — in the morning or at night, in a restaurant or on the Riviera, in Fort Myers or Fort Apache — SAY YES INC. will be there beside you.

Here’s a fact for your consideration: Last year in Lee County, the clerk of courts issued almost 4,000 marriage licenses, while conducting nearly 1,000 weddings. That means that at least that many men or women, probably more, probably Crashed & Burned when they decided to propose.

Why risk it? Don’t be a C&B. Just SAY YES today and live happily ever after.

Cost: $100 for an hour of SAY YES power, plus expenses. Special rates may apply for those who wish to hire three or more SAY YES employees for each marriage proposal. Repeat customers will receive a 10 percent discount.

TERRORIZE A TEENAGER INC.

Have you ever had teenagers? Are you going to have teenagers some day? Do you have a friend or a family member who has teenagers now, and doesn’t know how to break the terrible cycle of abuse?

Help intervene today in your life or the lives of those you love. Don’t sit idly by and let yourself or the good-hearted men and women you know continue to spiral downward, abducted into the terrible sink-hole known as adolescence.

Take action. Simply pick up the telephone now and call TERRORIZE A TEENAGER INC., at 1-800-555-5555.

We can help! At TERRORIZE A TEENAGER INC. we believe understanding is a one-way road. Teenagers need to understand you or yours. Period.

Our vetted cadre of dedicated professionals does not rely on politically correct child psychology degrees, the sugary attitudes of contemporary child welfare advocates, or squeaky-clean resumes redolent of sympathy, white wine, good credit and positive job evaluations.

Instead, we employ only the best to radically change the behavior of any teenager, anywhere, anytime, under any conditions. We guarantee immediate results within the first 15 minutes, and permanent variations in teenage and life behavior within the first 24 hours.

Our associates have served as Marine Corps drill instructors; section-crew leaders on the Union Pacific Railroad; ranch foremen from select ranching operations in Texas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana; farm managers from select large-scale produce operations in south and central Florida; or ex-felons who earned solid and undiminished reputations as masters of the cell block, and for whom “holiday vacation” usually come with names like Starke or Leavenworth, not St. Thomas or Lake Tahoe.

We recommend week-long, 24/7 therapy sessions for your troubling teens, or teens troubling your loved ones. Longer or shorter periods available by special arrangement.

COST: $5,000 per 7-day week, plus expenses, or $1,000 per day. Additional fees for households with more than 10 teens.

We guarantee satisfaction. 