New relationships mean new traditions

On Sunday mornings I have this ritual. It starts with the New York Times. I pull out my favorite sections — the style section, the travel section, and the book review — and I toss out the rest (forgive me, Sierra Club, for I know this is a sin). Until recently, these three sections have been my reason for getting out of bed Sunday mornings. These, a café latte, and a chocolate brioche at the café on the corner. They're my weekend pleasure point, the self-indulgent tradition that makes the stress and inanity of the workweek bearable.

But when I started dating the Captain — as wonderful, hunky, and generous as they come — he put a cramp in my Sunday morning routine. Not to say he doesn't like good coffee and pastries, but it's more the sacred paper reading that does him in. To be fair, he'll read an article or two. Or, I should say, a paragraph or two of an article. But where I'm quiet over my morning reading, he's chatty. He wants to share what he's read, to discuss the latest news, to debate the finer points of political policy. And I? I want to eat my brioche in silence.

On a night when my new love was out of town, I shared drinks with friends at a local bar. One girl brought an

old friend from high school. He was cute, funny, and happily engaged, and he talked about how it's harder to make relationships work in certain places. He was originally from Seattle, and while he's at business school on the East Coast now, he plans on taking his bride back to the Northwest. She, however, has her heart set on New York City.

"I don't know how someone could make it work in New York," he said. "There are too many choices. You can't build traditions there."

Which got me to thinking. It's true that traditions are the foundation of our relationships. They form the base of our partnerships and are where we build our inside jokes and shared memories. We lay traditions during the fruitful times of our relationships, and these help us through the fallow periods. These shared mini-rituals encourage our partners to stay — because it takes too damn long to build them with someone else, but also because they are sacred in their own way, like small rituals that define the rhythms of our lives.

"Rosie from Cape Coral" recently wrote in with this observation: "In a relationship, the narcissism of each individual must take second place to the needs of the relationship/partner. It's the only way a relationship can really work."

She's right. We're led to believe that relationships come easy, but really they take work. And sacrifice. When I think about the Captain — who is worth any sacrifice — my Sunday morning ritual suddenly seems less sacred. Perhaps it's this new tradition I need: the paper, some coffee, a pastry, and him. If that means chatting over the latest news, I guess I'm game. I'd even split my brioche.

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