A repository of bad information

I have this friend Antonio, a smart, funny guy who works in finance and cracks me up with stories about growing up along the Texas-Mexico border. Antonio and I waded through college in the northeast together, complaining about the bitter winters and hostile locals. When he started dating a girl from his hometown, it felt like a natural fit, the kind fast-tracked for marriage. After college, they moved in together, and Antonio and I spoke less frequently. When we did talk, though, all he wanted to do was bitch about his girl.

"Man," he hissed into the phone once, "she's got me shopping with her again. She's in the dressing room now." Another time, he called to complain about the rocky living situation, about how tense things were while she was looking for a job. From my end, it felt like a slow build-up to relationship ruin. Months later, I was shocked when I heard they tied the knot.

But maybe I shouldn't have been. After all, when friends get together, what do we love to do more than swap horror stories? We talk about other friends and their hard times, people from high school — who got divorced and who got fat — and our own relationship disasters. When we're not serious about anyone, we grumble about our recent dating mistakes, and when we're in the thick of it, we criticize the person we're with.

For instance, a girlfriend is going through a rough breakup and — damn you, faulty timing — I've started a great one. During a recent dinner outing, I listened to her list of ills about the ex and searched in vain for some damning thing to say about my new paramour. Ultimately, I kept quiet. No one wants to hear a glowing report of new love when they're in the midst of their own heartache. Anyway, it's the kvetching that's so much fun.

Which is perhaps the problem. A friend recently passed on this bit of wisdom from her mother. "When you decide you're serious about someone," her mother said, "don't tell me the dayto day complaints. I want to like my sonin law, not think he's a jerk. When you need to confide the real problems, I'll be here. But that leaving the toilet seat up nonsense? Save it for your girl friends."

She's right, and I'd take it a step farther. Save it for one friend. It's funny how we complain to our pals, then we're shocked when they give our girlfriend or boyfriend the cold shoulder. What we need to do is choose one friend as our emotional dumping ground, with the understanding that the information doesn't leave the two of you. That way, we can air out our relationship complaints — all that forgot to take out the trash business — without polluting our entire circle of friends.

In Antonio's case, I have to wonder, now, if I wasn't his repository of bad information. Maybe he was passing all his irritating stories along to me, and saving the rest — the good ones — for his buddies. That way, they could be honest when they congratulated him on his marriage, and I'd be the only one waiting for the divorce.

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