Assertiveness training

New Yorkers have a knack for telling it like it is.

On a recent trip to the Big Apple, I encountered this penchant for straight talk on every street corner. In the Financial District, a construction worker barely looked up as I passed. "What's up, delicious?" he said. It was more a statement than an invitation, propelled by some higher New York order to state his mind. Later, on the Upper West Side, I stood on the corner of 108th and Broadway, searching for the man I was supposed to meet. "I'm across the street," he said when I called. "You probably can't see me. I'm pretty short." When I did find him, I tried to gloss over his comment in polite Southwest Florida fashion. "You're not short," I said. "No, I am," he replied, matter-of-fact instead of put-out. "And bald."

While some out-of-towners find this straight talk too abrupt for their tastes, I think it's refreshing. After all, dissimulation takes work. What a load off to be able to express ourselves fully, not only saying how we feel, but what it is we want. Although this goes for both men and women, women have historically had a harder time verbalizing our needs.

In fact, the Women's Movement of the 1970s gave rise to "Assertiveness Training," an entire discipline geared toward empowering female expression. On the Web site MentalHelp.net, Dr. Mark Dombeck and Dr. Jolyn Wells- Moran situate assertive behavior between aggression, which is all about dominance, and passivity, which is all about submission. "Assertiveness is about finding a middle way between aggression and passivity that best respects the personal boundaries of all relationship partners," they write. "It is very hard for people used to acting passively to understand how to act assertively."

When it comes to relationships, I'm the master of beating around the bush. But recently I got called out on this passive behavior. A friend from out of town — hunky, hilarious, the kind who toes the line between friendship and love interest — promised to help me move into my new apartment at the middle of the month. I won't lie: I was looking forward to seeing his man muscles work to schlep my stuff. When my move-in date got pushed back two weeks, I was more disappointed at not seeing him than having to bunk at a friend's place for another 14 days. When I told my hot mover friend about my disappointment, he asked — boldly — "What do

you want?" I thought it over for a second, running through my usual hemming and hawing, then took a decisive step. "I'd like to see you both weekends," I said,

steeling myself for his brush off. But it didn't come. Instead, he just laughed and said he'd see me on Friday.

On the MentalHelp.net message boards, one poster sums up the experience of speaking her mind.

"On the rare occasions that I DO assert myself and express instead of withhold my thoughts or feelings, I find it to be so much easier than I'd imagined." She's right. Being open isn't easy, but the rewards are worth the risk. And now I get a double dose of hunkiness.

Contact Artis

>>Send your dating tips, questions, and disasters to: sandydays@floridaweekly.com