Down that old not-so-lonesome road, the lessons never stop coming

Ross Friend, the 6-foot 5-inch, 33-yearold drummer for the ascending James Willhite Band, is a man-up kind of man who's gotten some of his own big heart back, from time to time.

COURTESY PHOTO Ross Friend and his daughter Stephanie. Born and raised in Naples to educators — his father, G.E. Friend, retired after 35 years in Naples schools; his mother, Beverly Friend, still runs the front office at Gulfview Middle School — Mr. Friend became a father during his senior year in high school. Now, his beloved daughter, Stephanie, is about to turn 17.

"When that happened, it changed my college plans — I needed to stay here," he recalls of becoming a teenage dad and husband. "So I grew up fast," he adds. "I didn't over think it — I just knew that (having her) was the right thing to do. It was instinct."

The right instinct, he figures, a gift from his parents. "I have an older brother, too, Sean, and our parents taught us — not in a religious sense, but in a moral and instinctive sense, I guess — if this is what you need to do, do it."

He began working for Publix, took a few computer courses at Edison State College, became a CAD expert and separated from his wife. They eventually divorced.

As he took on Big Adult Responsibility, Mr. Friend also made the decision to step off the Publix corporate track (which, he notes, he couldn't imagine himself trudging along unhappily for 25 years or so). Instead, he took a job with Agnoli, Barber & Brundage, or ABB Engineering, as a computer expert, doing something he loved almost as much as he loved music and the song-anchoring, personality-defining rhythms of the drums.

He had learned those rhythms from his father, who also played in bands in Naples. "Ever since I was about 5, my dad would let me climb up on the drum set and beat away obnoxiously — which probably drove my mother crazy," he says.

"So I played everywhere I could — symphonic bands, jazz bands, school bands, marching bands, music classes — all the way through middle and high school. And I kept playing."

And then, like the earlier gifts of loving parents and a great daughter, one of those unexpected grace notes arrived in his world — a woman named Suzette. "We were just a perfect match for each other — it was effortless," Mr. Friend explains. Seven years ago come July, she became Mrs. Friend.

His marriage to her, ironically, taught Mr. Friend about some other people in his life, too, beginning when Mrs. Friend began to suffer sharp headaches.

"We went to the emergency room, they did scans, and they said they'd found something that could be a problem," he recalls quietly.

It was a problem, all right — a brain tumor.

"So she had two craniotomies, one here and one at the Moffitt Cancer Center in Tampa," he says. "For months and months she was in and out of hospitals and trying to recover from surgeries, and I missed a lot of work."

His co-workers at ABB, he says, began to practice an old concept, one that's simple to say but often hard to do, called Stand By Me.

"When my vacation time ran out, my bosses kept sending me paychecks," he says. "Several people at work were sending food to our house. And they just kept calling — these are people you almost consider as family, which is how our CEO looks at employees."

Mrs. Friend recovered. Now the couple is vegetarian and extremely health-conscious, and she works for the organically inclined Sunsplash Market & Deli.

Mr. Friend's good karma appeared again last year, when he began hankering to find and join an original artist and make new music. "One night I was sitting in with a Fort Myers band in an Estero coffee shop, and James (Willhite) got up to play a few original numbers with them. I was blown away by his raw talent," he says.

But Mr. Willhite left the bar before Mr. Friend could get either his last name or his telephone number, and disappeared into life. But only for a few weeks.

When Mr. Friend posted an ad on craigslist seeking a fellow musician to collaborate with, Mr. Willhite responded, and boom — now crowds up and down the coast of Southwest Florida are enjoying the band's unique fusion of jazz, blues and rock. If it's like anything, their music is akin to that of John Mayer, explains Mr. Friend. (Go to www.myspace.com/ jameswillhitemusic81 to hear it or learn about the band and the schedule.)

Mr. Willhite plays guitar and introduces taut original compositions into the mix with covers. Mr. Friend plays a simple fusion set-up and a cajon (a Latin box drum), and Daniel Navarro plays base.

"The music thing has changed me," Mr. Friend says. "Strangers you've never met come up after you play and want to talk to you. They ask questions about the music, they get to know you. Instead of just politely answering a few questions and walking away, like I would have done once, I can become genuinely interested in the people and their stories."

Mr. Friend knows as well as anyone — behind every quiet soul is a remarkable story.