Where to fall on the maintenance meter?

My Tivo feels dirty. After recording episodes of "The Soup" for years, I've been inspired by the clips featured on that weekly round-up of trash TV to program a season pass for this gem: Bret Michael's "Rock of Love." Sure, it's a reality show about bleach blonds chasing a fading rock star, and yes it lowers my IQ every time I watch an episode, but somehow I can't get enough of the booze-fueled bad life decisions. There's a reason "The Soup's" Joel McHale calls it "Rock of Gonorrhea."

This season's "Rock of Love Bus" tour (what's better than drunk women duking it out in a house? Drunk women duking it out in a bus) delivered a surprise ending. I thought for sure that kicky, cute, girl-next-door Mindy had it in the bag, but Bret made a shocking move when he chose instead the polished, but cold, Taya. True, she's been in Penthouse, but I thought for sure her layers of make-up and don't-touch-me-or-I'll-mess-up-myhair look would turn him off. Not so much, based on the way they gamely swapped saliva after he named her his rock of love (whatever that means). Which just goes to show how little I know about the male brain.

In her dating guide "Why He Didn't Call You Back," professional matchmaker Rachel Greenwald says most guys want to see a girl all doneup. Mrs. Greenwald asked men in an online survey, "What would you really like to see a woman wear on a first date, if she's someone with longterm potential?" Almost 70 percent of the answers involved a skirt or dress. What about that great pair of jeans every girl owns? Only 17 percent of the men chose "hot jeans" for first date wear. "If you're a girl," says one survey respondent, "dress like a girl."

My friend Greg says men definitely enjoy a woman who puts in effort. "We like it when you're all dolled up in front of our friends, family or co-workers. We want to show you off," he says. "The same reason we like nice cars and homes — to show status." But he admits that as a relationship progresses, the maintenance factor can be dialed down. "We don't want to deal with all the work, time, and money it takes to have you look stunning all the time." So, which is it? "It's simple," he says. "We want both."

After a recent trip to Central America, I passed along photos of my adventure to another male friend. He wrote back that the pictures looked great. And I looked like a hippie.

"A hippie?" I asked. "You mean the peace and love kind? Or the kind who doesn't shave her armpits?"

He clarified. "Very bare minimum looking. The long hair, flip flops, sun dresses. You look like you belong by a bonfire on a beach."

I thought it over, what he said and what I looked like on the trip. It's true I rocked a laidback style. And the dressed-up look men crave? Not so much. Which is perhaps why I spent that particular vacation sitting on the singles bench. At least I shaved my armpits.

Contact Artis

>>Send your dating tips, questions, and disasters to: sandydays@floridaweekly.com