Lessons on listening

At a trendy bar in newly gentrified north Philly, I once went on a date with a graduate student I'd met on Penn's campus, one of those good-looking teaching assistant types who home in on pliable undergrads. In addition to his fair features, he had a fine European fashion sense and a dashing British accent. All in all, a good catch.

He certainly thought so. Over drinks, "Dan" ran through a litany of hobbies and career goals, favorite professors and sports teams. I listened politely as he detailed his reasons for pursuing an MBA in the States, and I nodded along to a story about the origins of rugby. By the time I drained the last drops of my non-alcoholic beverage (I was underage, after all), he had covered his entire life history.

"So, tell me about you," he said. "I've been sitting here yammering all night."

I smiled, flattered at his interest. "Well, I'm originally from Florida." He nodded. "I'm a junior, studying --"

"Hold on just a second." He shot a hand in the air, calling over the waitress, and ordered another round. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"I'm studying business, but I'm not sure that's what I want to do with my life. You know, you pick a major when you're right out of high school and how can anyone decide --"

His eyes glazed over and his pupils unfocused. When he began scanning the bar behind me, I wrapped up my business school versus liberal arts debate, and we sat in silence for the space of several heartbeats.

"That's really . . . interesting," he said. He fingered the cocktail napkin on the table and rolled damp strips of paper between his fingers. "You ready to get out of here?"

In the taxi, he recommenced the Dan Show as I silently seethed. Few things drive me so crazy as someone who won't listen, especially one trying to work his way into my pants.

In their jarringly titled, "Why Women Shouldn't Marry," mother-daughter team Cynthia and Hillary Smith claim this behavior is standard practice for many men. "How often have you gone out on first dates and inevitably steel yourself to his initial mandatory monologue?" they write. "The longer it takes, the more companionable he believes you to be. You have learned to sit there with a fixed smile that you hope looks sympathetic."

Not to say that women, too, aren't guilty of the non-listening conversational crime. I've known my share of female conversation dominators. Luckily for them — and the guys who need a refresher — good listening is a skill that can be learned. The about.com Web site has an extensive page on the subject that includes a tip sheet for good listening techniques. They include: maintain eye contact, don't interrupt the speaker, sit still, nod your head, lean toward the speaker, and ask appropriate questions when the speaker has finished.

Those in the dating market, please, for the love of all that is holy, memorize these strategies and employ them on your next romantic outing. Like a good man (or woman), good listeners are hard to find.

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