Babylon A.D.

Running Time: 90 minutes
MPAA rating: PG-13

"Babylon A.D." director Mathieu Kassovitz has been squawking to any journalist who'll listen that his film isn't worth seeing. He hates it. And the reason is because he claims 20th Century Fox chopped 17 minutes of footage from the final cut.

I can understand why Kassovitz is ticked off. Those 17 minutes must've been AWESOME, cuz the 90 minutes I got to see sucked.

The film stars Vin Diesel as a mercenary named Toorop, who is hired by a Russian mobster (Gerard Depardieu sporting the most unnecessary nose extension ever) to transport a young woman named Aurora (Melanie Thierry) from a Russian nunnery to New York City. Accompanying Aurora is Sister Rebeka (martial-arts superstar Michelle Yeoh).

Apparently Aurora is some kind of genetically engineered Virgin Mary created by some gene-splicing corporation for a corrupt religious corporation that wants to use Aurora as a "miracle" in order to gain more converts.

Which is a stupid plot device. Think about it. If you already live in a future where genetic engineering is commonplace, why would you believe in a miraculous virgin birth? Wouldn't you just go, "Huh. Sounds like another chick got a baby implant."

"Babylon A.D." is basically a shoot 'em up, shaky-cammed road movie set in a dystopian future with a metric load of mysticism mumbo jumbo thrown in to muddle an already clichéd plot.

I mean, seriously, haven't we already seen this done before? A lot? If you've already seen "Children of Men," "The Fifth Element" and "Blade Runner," then you don't need to waste your time with this ridiculous retread.

(c) 2007 King Features Syn d., Inc.