To do or not to do

When it comes to dating, women have a hard time figuring out just what men are thinking. The publishing industry knows. Booksellers have made a killing mapping out the male psyche for lonely, befuddled women for decades. On any given night, the Sex & Relationships section at Barnes & Noble is three-deep in dateless females (and the token teenage boys, elbowing one another over kama sutra books). There are pointers from gurus (Dr. Ruth) and gay men ("Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man"), sadists ("Bitter Party of One . . .Your Table is Ready") and comics ("Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys"). Each work contains an element of truth, and, for the studious, a few nuggets of relationship wisdom can be gleaned from their oft-rifled pages. But, with the exception of He's Just Not That Into You (my all-time favorite dating book, every girl should own a copy and know key passages by heart - I do), most books complicate a relatively straightforward issue. Ladies, let me break it down for you: if a guy's talking to you, it's because he wants to do you.

Women approach relationships with a complicated set of rules. The twists and turns of politeness and attraction, propriety and desire can be maddening. We often lose the way in this warren of our own weaving, and we forget that men take a more direct route. Instead of foisting our convoluted feminine worries on a potential suitor, it would be wiser (and easier) to heed the subtle signals men throw in our path.

Take my friend Hank, for example. I had been gnawing over this theory for days, my female brain trying to make sense of its simplicity, when Hank ran a story past me about a Scandinavian bombshell at his local bank.

"She was gorgeous," he said. "Just like you'd imagine: tall, blond, blue-eyed. I'm not normally the sort to say something to a lady I don't know, but she was so beautiful, I had to tell her."

"Hank," I said. "Were you just talking to her because you wanted to do her?"

He mulled it over for a second. "Well, yes. I guess that's why I was talking to her." He went on to list all the other women he interacts with daily - at work, in the grocery story, in restaurants - that he never says a word to, women that he has no interest in doing.

It seemed like I was onto something, and it suddenly felt like I had a window into the male mind. The cute guy on my kickball team who rarely says more than hi? Doesn't want to do me. The cute guy on another kickball team who spends more than an hour talking to me at a party? Totally wants to do me. The guy that works in the music section of Barnes & Noble who greeted me with a friendly hello? Could just be good customer service.

It's true that no theory is perfect. With this one, it's especially important to remember that, as Hank says, "Just because I want to do her doesn't mean I want to date her." Great advice, to which I say: It's an awfully good place to start.

Contact Artis

>>Send your dating tips, questions, and disasters to: sandydays@floridaweekly.com