The thrill of the hunt

Sandy-haired Rita is a competitive dancer with a fit body and an attractive face. She has an outgoing personality, a sense of humor, and a string of unsuccessful relationships. Now in her late 30s, Rita has never been married and her current relationship - the fourth in a series of parallel disasters - is teetering on the brink of demise.

When asked what she thinks is the root of her relationship problems, Rita admits that she has a hard time letting a man pursue her. As soon as a guy starts to show interest, she's all over him. Rita says she wants to hold out. She'll give herself pep talks on the power of withholding (both sexually and emotionally), but more likely than not she'll wind up naked in a hot tub by the end of the first date. Once a boyfriend has lasted out several months, Rita finds an excuse to move into his apartment, fast-forwarding the dating experience and taking the chase out of his hands.

Dr. Gilda Carle, a relationship expert and author of "He's Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys," says "Men are hunters, and hunters need to hunt." She insists that men are drawn to the thrill of the chase and a lot of a woman's attraction is based on how hard he has to work to catch her. "Stunning starlets get dumped all the time," Dr. Carle says. "But plainer gals who understand the hunt are forever pursued."

My friend Vinnie, who's not a Ph. D. but does have a divorce under his belt, talks in similar terms. "There's nothing more exciting than a good chase," he says. Men will go all-out to impress a girl they're after, sparing no amount of effort once they're on the scent. "I've heard of a guy chasing a girl until she caught him."

The question, then, is how do women like Rita - and women in general - use this knowledge to be successful in the dating world?

"Well ladies, if you want to be chased then be chaste," says Vinnie. "At least for a while." He says that guys need time to discover there's more to a girl than her good looks. According to Vinnie, holding out on the hooking up keeps a man interested longer. "Playing it a bit conservative is better as a general policy."

Dr. Carle offers more holistic advice. Instead of being an easy target, she suggests that women cultivate interests outside of dating and beefup their roster of female friends. This will make them less available and subsequently more attractive to the male hunter mentality. "Women who are interesting attract partners who are interested," says Dr. Carle.

Sometimes, though, the best advice on relationships comes from outside the dating world. Natalie Goldberg, a Buddhist and

author, writes about the importance of cultivating patience. "When you see something you want," she says, "take three steps back and wait."

Good advice for Rita and all the rest of us in the thick of the chase.

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