Getting pumped

Today, you may have to go pump some gas. Pumping gas is a lot of fun.

You pull into a station, stop at an open pump, climb out of your vehicle and open your gas tank, then insert the hose. This is just like they used to do way back in the 20th century (remember that?), so it's a sentimental moment, which is always fun.

Of course, most people don't realize that unlike in the 20th century, the gas hose doesn't actually run from the underground reservoirs sunk beneath the concrete deck of the service station into your tank. No, not hardly.

Instead, the hose runs directly from your bank into your tank, through an inexplicable system of metaphysical international finance and plumbing upon which entire dynasties of Middle Eastern nations rely, not to mention South and North American nations.

Before you squeeze the pump trigger and begin to inject fuel into your vehicle, it's always important (and fun, don't forget that) to check the faces of the men and women around you. Make sure you observe this custom, because it can save your sanity, or at the very least remind you that you're not alone in despair, or in the insane world of gasolinepowered transportation.

The faces of your fellow victims (call them drivers if you want) frequently appear haggard, drawn, agonized, sleepless, or tear streaked. In other words, their faces are tortured, just like your face.

And like you, most of them are facing another $30, $40, $50, or $60 draw-down of the green stuff they spend their lives chasing, in usually in their cars, or if they're really tortured, in their trucks and SUVs.

The best thing about pumping gas (remember, this is supposed to be fun) is that when you watch the dollars-and-cents register on the pump clattering upward through the numbers at a rate more than triple that of the tortoise like numbers appearing on the gallons register, you can literally watch lives alter.

You can see the college educations of children draining away, or mortgage payments disappearing, or the summer vacations to the grandparents in the North vanishing.

You can see that full dose of expensive new medicine prescribed by a state-of-the-art doctor, or the tickets to a Barbara B. Mann performance or a Boston Red Sox spring training game shooting right into the gas tank.

Sometimes you can even see your fellow drivers pump away their choice of the whole wheat bread or the 93/7 lean hamburger, which is a lot healthier but more expensive than the 80/20 hamburger that comes with a fat content so high that it creates an explosives ordinance threat to homes all over the neighborhood, not to mention to your heart and arteries.

And all of that's happening right there at the pump, where they don't even charge you a price of admission for the show (only the price of emission, so you actually get to pay to help destroy the environment).

But what if you get tired of all this fun and want to save a little money, somehow? Is there anything you can do?

Well, somebody in California sent a note to some people in Colorado, one of whom was my stalwart sister, Karen, who sent it to me. I haven't verified this stuff, but it has the ring of truth to my ear.

See what you think.

"Tips on pumping gas:

"I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline, but here in California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.

"Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel, the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades. We have 34 storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.

"Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline; when it gets warmer, gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role.

"A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

"When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

"One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air (is) occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.

"Another reminder: if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up - most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money."

Oh, and one more thing, says the writer: Since the Saudis are boycotting American goods, we should return the favor by not buying gas from companies supplied by Saudi Arabia or other Middle Eastern nations - and he or she even has a list:

"These companies import Middle Eastern oil: Shell, 205,742,000 barrels; Chevron/Texaco, 144,332,000 barrels; Exxon/Mobil, 130,082,000 barrels; Marathon/Speedway, 117,740,000 barrels; Amoco, 62,231,000 barrels.

"And Citgo gas is from South America, from a dictator who hates Americans," adds the writer, referring to Venezuela and Hugo Chavez.

For companies that don't import from the Middle East, the writer concludes, try Sunoco, Conoco, Sinclair, BP/Phillips, Hess, or ARCO (all of this is listed as public record by the Department of Energy).

So I guess the lesson is this: if you want to get pumped, be an educated pumper. If you want to get really pumped, buy a bicycle.