SANDY DAYS, SALTY NIGHTS

"Ugh. You can't meet people in a bowling alley," says Holly, my buxom blond friend who has not been single a day past puberty.

"Or a bar," she says, tapping a second perfectly manicured nail against the table. She goes on, naming other places where you simply can not meet people - whether by lack of opportunity or social stigma, I'm not entirely sure.

For those of us in Southwest Florida that find ourselves without a partner - by choice or by chance - the dating options may seem slim. Whether it's irrepressible optimism or a tendency towards masochism in the dating department, I'm not sure, but I, for one, am convinced that there are good options out there. You just have to know where to look.

"Or the Internet," I hear her say, fingernails clicking.

You can't meet people on the Internet? Here, I beg to differ. Once a wasteland for social pariahs and pedophiles, Internet dating has boomed in recent years. And, if you believe the eHarmony and match. com hype, it's flooded with nice, normal people who lack opportunity, not social skills.

I'll admit, I've been drawn in by the match.com slogan, "It's okay to look," and find myself looking more than I should (and by "more than I should" I mean on company time). The eHarmony site is theoretically more scientific with its extensive questionnaire and personality profiling, but you can't see pictures of prospective dates, so it lacks the instant gratification of match.com.

Either way, both sites have what the traditional bar scene lacks: a ready pool of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that can be pre-sorted by a number of characteristics, like age and username (personally, I'd stay away from DIRTYDUDE). There's no two-drink minimum for finding out his or her interests, and things like income and astrological sign are posted right on their profile.

A carry-over from the personal ad days, Internet dating holds the misconception that unworthy suitors can hide behind a false online persona. While this may have been true when candidates got two

lines of descriptive newsprint (Enjoys

long walks on the beach, yada, yada) the extensity of dating site profiles somehow manages to ferret out wacky tendencies.

For instance, the 10-piece emotional luggage set from this 26-year-old divorcé:

You also need to be able to do things on your own, I should not have to do everything for you, for example cook or clean, if I work all day and you stay at home and do nothing, I should not have to come home and clean your mess and cook, this is simply out of the question, but if on the other hand we both work then we share the burden, maybe one of us cook while the other cleans or we do both together as a team.

Or, the burning passion for poetry from this would-be suitor:

Spellbinding moonlight caressing mine eyes, shadows of deception showing no more lies. Soft grey clouds are drifting to interfere, I wish I pray, that you were here. Waves so gently, are tickling the stones, speaking softly in varying tones... Kiss her... hold her... love her till death, never let go...but don't hold your breath. Just live for now and let her love, for one day...I pray...that it will never come to pass...like the clouds above.

Statistically, there is someone for everyone, and the chance that mine is on the Internet is as good as anywhere else. I've been dipping my toes in the Internet dating pool, and now I feel it's time to take the plunge. Here comes the hard part: crafting that perfect online profile that makes me seem real yet desirable, fun but not flip, and classy and trashy all at once. Perhaps I will do it in haiku. ¦

Contact Artis

>>Send your dating tips, questions, and disasters to sandydays@florida-weekly.com